Lying there in the darkness of the guest bedroom, his hand clutching mine... my problems seem so miniscule. His heart racing... my life seems perfect. His brow drenched in sweat as he searches my eyes for the solution.

i love you
i do
i love you
all i'm saying pretty baby
la la love you don't mean maybe
all i'm saying
pretty baby
-pixies

But I can't fix it. I can't fix him. I can't make him better.

All I can do is let him squeeze my hand. Tell him to squeeze as hard as he can-- don't worry about hurting me-- just squeeze.

And he does. And for that moment, the pain isn't so bad. He has someone here. Someone next to him who he can trust. Someone he's able to tell the whole truth to for once.

At 5:30am, the pain was unbearable and so he went home to take more medications to counteract the side effects of other medications meant to counteract the side effects of still other medications. It's a fucking chain. This chain that's eating him alive.

But he had to drop me off at my car... and right before I get out he says, "Can I see you again?" Not so much in a romantic tone... but in the tone of a small child who desperately needs someone to tend to them. For the first time since Grampa died, I'm needed.

I tell him he can see me again whenever he likes. And give him my number. Kiss his cheek... and I'm gone... the Pixies fading behind me.

Driving home in that bitter cold, the Pixies blaring to keep me awake... I've slept barely an hour tonite... his secret is already consuming my soul. I swore I wouldn't breathe a word... but now in the cold darkness, I want to scream and cry and wake up the whole world to tell them all how fucking unfair it is. But I can't. So his secret is consuming my very fucking soul... eating me from the inside out so that I feel exactly what he's feeling at this moment.

prithee, my dear,
why are we here
nobody knows
we go to sleep
as breathing flows
my mind secedes
i bleed
-pixies

For the first time in a long time, I'm praying. I'm begging God. Please just make him alright. It isn't fair. I didn't mean it when I said he looked like death. I take it back. I didn't know. Just fucking make it okay!

I'm crying. I'm hoping. I'm wishing everything will be okay. And right on cue, the sun peeks through my window... it'll be okay.